Time will tell
by Dionysus69
Summary: A teens confusion/introspection over events in her past. WARNING! explores adult themes and subject matters not for younger readers. No lemons/was written to explore evoking emotion, not all emotion is pleasant.. but then again neither is life...


**Authors note: this is NOT a happy feel good story, it deals with very adult subjects, and some of it very painful to write. This was written as a backstory for a character in another work of mine to give her a bit of realism and depth.**

I gently drew my finger into my mouth wetting it , then proceeded to circle lazily around my clit , rubbing it slowly every now and again. Normally this would take a long time but not tonight , I was already aroused and ready due to the erotic stories I had been reading, closer and closer I came to that blissful abyss.

Then it happened , again.. an image , a feeling of a tongue, licking me, knowingly, wantonly… and that was all it took. I came **hard**, and immediately sat bolt upright in bed, breathing hard with a cold sweat running down my spine.

Again?

Why was I so upset about an orgasm, a nice hard powerful one at that? Simple….

I hated Him

It had been happening more and more recently, and it should not have been….

I hated Him

Never one to give up, or admit defeat I decided to try again, and soon once I started to get into it, the image once again sprang into my mind, The tongue once more expertly licking me closer to orgasm, but this time, I let go with the flow, and it was then that I started to make progress, but I am getting in front of myself. I should start from the beginning and maybe the rest will then become clear.

*** flashback***

The tongue in question belonged to a much older man, it was my first tongue, well he was my first a few things. I believe I may have had a crush on him at the time.

Anyway, it was my first tme, as is often the case with the first time, and my mind was racing .No! I thought , this cannot not be happening, I remember thinking at the time I did not want it to happen, but my legs seemed to part by themselves, and I belive I was the one who removed my underwear. Next thing I know I felt his breath on my vagina, no one had ever even touched me before.. but oral sex?.. NOOO my mind said, this cannot be….and yet I remember holding on to the back of his head, urging his face closer, marvelling at the feel of his tongue on me.. and at time in me penetrating me, as nothing ever had before.

It was terrible, I told myself, but my legs betrayed me, my groin kept pushing itself up, inviting itself wordlessly to his oral ministrations. Yes BAD I thought to myself…. But my body felt otherwise.

Legally it was wrong….. but my body did not care

Society says morally it was wrong, but still I remember his tongue.

And so I convinced myself it was wrong, after all I was young what would my body know when everyone else was right? I even managed to feel bad about what joy and pleasure I did get from it. And so I hid that part of me, I was ashamed of it, I felt that I was somehow an aberration for even enjoying it just a little.

So what did I do? I did what society tells us to do… I told on him.

Sometimes I wonder, if I had not have said anything, would I have been hurt more… or less?

I had an unending stream of people come to me , to tell me "you poor thing, you must be hurt, traumatised " so many people told me that, and so I thought I must have been, I was a victim here, I told myself.

And so I started, every night , and every day reminding myself of how badly I had it, of how terrible he was.

I plotted to kill him a hundred, no a thousand times over, and each time I told myself that, he became less of a person, less of a human being. I thought of him every single day.

He did some jail time, but not much as I could only give little testimony , partially as I had told myself so often how horrible he was I had blocked some of it out. But also because I could not bring myself to say how horrible it was… "but I really liked it when he", how could I say that?…I still felt ashamed of that part of me, and felt people would look down on me.

And so this continued on for the next three years, each night telling myself how much I hated him, he was constantly in my thoughts . I became accustomed to being the victim, I found it easy. It turned out to be a sure fire answer to everything… bad behaviour? Obviously caused by trauma… bad grades?, blame the monster…..lying, cheating and stealing?... all can be blamed on the abuse.

I started to see monsters everywhere, I did not stop to think if the pain and the hurt was coming from outside, or within?

I know what you dear reader are thinking, that I do not know right from wrong, and yet I do. In some parts of the world, a man can hit his wife… this is wrong I know this… I feel this. And yet I see this al the time.. the wife beater who goes to church every Sunday.

What happened to my monster?... well he lost his job, and not worked since ,lost his house and has been beaten up several times, twice by the police ( they are good at leaving no marks) once by my father, and a few times by various 'do gooders' he's lost quite a few teeth, had concussion at least once and his heath has plummeted.

Serves him right says everyone, and I agreed… until recently…

I hated him… didn't i?

I started to question what he did wrong… well legally he was in the wrong…

Society say he was in the wrong.. so he must have been.

Legally I was underage, my mind was not ready for all of it… but my body, well to be honest, it welcomed much of it, and I think wanted more?

There is the cause of much of my pain….i am still upset that I enjoyed it… I used to say part of my enjoyed it.. but I now must be honest. I enjoyed it, and why not ? its my body why not. There should be no reason for me to not to enjoy it.

Did he force me?... no

Did he threaten me.. and any time? No

Was he gentle? Yes

What did he actually do.. was he selfish… probably, but all I can think, is that at the end of the day, all he did was try to give me physical pleasure.

Which I rejected, society rejected, morals rejected….but I cannot help think… my body did not reject it… should I have listened to it more?

So I started to masturbate, a lot but I only realise now that it was for the wrong reasons…. I played with myself to prove to myself that it was my body… only now am I beginning to realise , it always was my body, and body's will react to sexual stimulus. Especially if the stimulus is given with love and affection, which I was once loath to admit, it was.

I have spoken to a few trusted friends about this, some the male ones mostly have expressed desire to kill the man….One of my girlfriends, has admitted to me a similar story, and also confusion at her own physical reaction. In her case she did not tell anyone, and it continued for a while. It is over now, and she is left with memories of gentle first times ( no, she is still a virgin), and is quite happy. When I asked her about the legal and moral issues, her response both scared me… and calmed me. 'laws are not just arbitrary rules, and as for morals, well I know for sure that society quite often gets that wrong"

I have even been thinking of calling him.. no idea what he would say, he may even hang up on me.. I'm not sure, but I do not think I hate him anymore, he's just a man. Maybe one that was just carried away with love/lust/passion… I am beginning to understand that now…. My god , am I attracted to him?, is that why I had to tell myself over and over again how much I hated him, and how much I wanted to kill him?.. maybe I do want him..a little bit, or maybe just his tongue, oh fuck it , lets face it, I miss that tongue…. But do I still hate him… or what?

It seems confusion is just part of being a teenager.

I know I want more now…, male, female, I do not really care. I want to be held, I want to be stroked, I want to be kissed.

And yet I am still scared of all of the above, because of what he did to me?... no…

I think I allowed myself to be hurt because I was told that's how I should feel

I want more, but I am scared, terrified even, is this because of what happened, or how I reacted to how others reacted to me… do we condition ourselves to shut out intimacy, because feelings hurt, and its easier not to be hurt if you let no one in?

But mostly , recently… I just remember that tongue

**Authors note. No flames please, it shall be ignored**

**This is how I feel, or think it is, still working myself out, I am not trying to tell anyone else what to do, or how to feel… you must pick your own path, as I have mine.**


End file.
